Labels and Masks
Hipster, metrosexual, lumbersexual, pansexual, sapiosexual, asexual… we can all pretty much imagine how each of these partners would look, sound and feel. Personality, sexuality and aesthetics are so diverse in our surroundings. Which one is in? Which is more popular? Which one will get you laid? Which one gets you a long-term partnership?
I see all of the above as labels. When you put on a label, you pigeonhole yourself within that label, to conform, relate or identify. Labels are masks.
We create labels to stereotype and expedite the process of selection. It’s time efficient to write off a hipster, assigning him a whole bunch of traits he may not even have and move on, possibly missing out on a greatest connection of your life.
These labels and masks create a specific level of demand, and men conform driven by their most basic need, as a hunter, to reproduce. Ooh – prey. Get woman now. Camouflage – get woman!
Women have their masks too. Most of them choose their own way of becoming prey, and some of them take on a role of a hunter. In our society we have blurred the line of masculine and feminine, which tampers with polarity in couples, as there is confusion regarding which role to play.
Two boobs in love
I’ve learned the following concept at Tony Robbins Date with Destiny. I call it – two boobs in love! Imagine a circle within a circle, a target if you will. Let’s do a target of a man first. He was born masculine at his core – protector, provider, hunter. Thus, masculine is in the center of that target as a core [blue]. His parents taught him as a child to be polite, to suppress his anger, to treat everyone nicely. That masculine core then developed a feminine mask. Then a boy goes to school, where he is ridiculed for being ‘soft’. He is even bullied on some level and he is now forced to develop yet another mask, to wear around his feminine mask that he needs for home. Then a boy grows up, graduates and joins the work environment where once again his mask of masculinity from school years gets challenged and he needs to conform to social standards. He now needs to be more considerate and less aggressive. He needs to be receptive to people around him and play nice. This develops yet another mask around masks that are already there.
Now let’s fill out the target for a woman. She is born feminine at her core, that joyous creature, calm and receptive, loving [pink]. Then her family tells her that she needs to grow up to be a smart and an educated woman, to be independent and to need no man. She goes through school getting high marks, beating competition and alienating everyone who’s in her way, thus a masculine mask develops. Later after hormones do their job, all of the sudden she wants to get attention of boys in midst of guys’ masculine habitat. She turns to search for femininity, make-up, manipulation, gossip and clothes. Another layer of a feminine mask develops. After graduation she enters the work force where she must breach the gender gap and perform alongside men, no excuses. Masculine. Again.
The first time I saw that model the thought in my head was – this is hopeless. I went home a showed it to my man saying: let me show you what two boobs in love look like!
So, what do we end up turning to when it comes to relationships? Which mask? How do we get to the core? Do any of us even know how to get to that core? This is what we usually refer to as wear and tear of dating. Generally dating puts you through relationships helping you uncover what works or doesn’t for you, and through the experience (sometimes years) our core is uncovered. We all know how a masculine woman looks like and we know how an emasculated man looks like. We’ve seen those relationships that made us look away. Sometimes that pattern continues for years or even decades. Sometimes the damage becomes so severe – people never split and live out remainder of their lives unhappy together and searching for happiness outside of that relationship: in their children or hobbies. This is a price for stubbornness and unwillingness to fight for one’s happiness.
Even the most masculine woman wants to be around a man that she can surrender to, relax with and feel like a girl.
Even the most feminine man wants to feel needed, protect his woman, provide for her and be that hero that puts a smile on her face!
Most women see femininity as weakness and most men see masculinity as aggression. All that was ingrained in us by our societal standards. Thus, when it comes to dating there is much confusion of which mask to present first: masculine or feminine? And if you lead with a mask opposing to your core, how long would you have to keep up the charade until polarity flips to your favor?
We expect everyone to know the dating game, all while the manual keeps growing. Authentic communication scares the shit out of people – they run! It’s easier to say that there are no real men out there, rather than admit that you may not be the real woman they are searching for, all while they are confused out of their mind in how to approach you!
In Russia we have a saying: ‘Women, stop looking for your lion, he was picked out of the pack when he was still a cub!’
I am a firm believer that if you raise a man – you’re raising him for someone else. If you allow a man to grow into who he is – he will grow with you. That makes all the difference in a relationship.
How many of you ever dated a man only to find out you were dating a bigger boy with more expensive toys? I’ll let you in on a little secret – majority of them are like that! Men do not enter our life as ‘fully grown prepared for anything’ men. They are boys. Real men are seasoned by fatherhood, divorce or a string of relationships from hell. Basically, they are seasoned by experience similar to cutting out their heart with a butter knife, while a piece of their soul is still pumping through it.
Real men are made through growth, with love or suffering as its primary mode. A path through loving growth includes loss elsewhere: in business, friendships, hobbies or friends. Love erases suffering and helps us gain an understanding through support of a relationship.
If you mother them – you’ll raise them, and they’ll leave. If you give them freedom to grow with you – you’ll have the most amazing relationship full of variety! Let him make a choice. Stand by him and his choices, after all you are one of them. Disrespecting his choices means disrespecting his decision algorithm that picked you in the first place. Empower him to choose and stand behind the consequences of that choice. Your words are: “I may not agree with your choice; however, this is your decision, I respect and stand behind it.” I’ve seen these words save marriages.
Your true soulmate and a partner will never interfere with your life. Anytime a pure connection happens it only enhances your life. They dance with you, walk their own path beside you. Love is a way of life, it is never a distraction. A real man who really loves you will lift you up beyond belief. Allow the relationship to happen. Allow a man to stand his ground and build a world around you. Allow love in.