Nowadays in the world overrun with accessibility and communications more than ever, we get less face to face contact with each other. On the World Wide Web of lies created by projections and externalization of the persona we think we should be, we suffice to control what we want others to think of us and who we are.
The secondary personality shielding prescribes us value that we yearn to upkeep, for it is our direct path to invulnerability. We fail to recognize this as a path to disconnection, we continue investing ourselves into the gory reputation that hangs over us like an aura, eventually diminishing our authenticity. We keep trying to figure out what we can do or say to have an effect on others, to consequently boost ourselves in the public eye. We keep on giving of ourselves to others, while they do the same, thus encouraging the pattern and locking each other in the vicious circle of unconsciousness.
What is the point? Does all this labor bring you a sufficient return? I hope it does, otherwise you are most likely tired, lonely and sick of living a lie. Whether you like it or not, it catches up to you eventually.
I have lived that lie. Every once in a while, that pattern like a greased lightning strikes suddenly and jolts me in the loop of repetitive thinking of “Am I good enough to be me?” Those who observe this game are better off at understanding it than those who play it.
When it comes to real face to face interaction, majority of us get caught up in the role that we are accustomed to playing. We set up unrealistic guidelines and boundaries that help us best execute the role we chose to play. We chose people to socialize with who help us fulfill our screenplay of what we call life. We restrict our authentic selves from acting out or showing through, afraid that we will be rejected for who we actually are. There are only a few people that I know who dive into conversations whole heartedly and with an open mind. Those are the people who know who they are on the inside and not afraid to show it.
I have been a witness many times of “What should I say to him? I really like him, but I don’t want to seem to clingy. I don’t want to seem too independent. I want to seem available, but not desperate…” after all this we wonder why our relationships do not work. We end up selling out the wrong information about ourselves; an authentic person will must likely see right through the glitter, even if not right away. In the end they will most likely walk away after they find the hollow core behind the mask.
What if the person that you are trying to sell your outer shell of life to is putting up a front just like you? When the real vulnerable, dysfunctional, fragmented human comes out, what will you be left with? Will you have enough acceptance within you to love one another? Will you have enough skills to work through your issues together and make it work? I hope so. In reality these unauthentic couples are the ones that usually end up getting hitched right off the bat. In real world those are the couples that usually end up separating… The illusion of self chips away who you are on the inside. The more you are entrapped in the game, more painful it is to walk away from it.
Being authentically human requires honesty foremost with yourself. When you know your positive sides and you own your imperfections, that’s when you become authentically beautiful and all those fragments of real fears hopes and insecurities they make you authentically unique. When you own up to the truths about who you are on the inside, you become an authentically vulnerable you. From that vulnerability comes the strength you never knew you had.
It is perfectly ok to admit that you are scared of being hurt. It is perfectly ok to admit that your heart has been broken before. It is ok to be afraid of blatantly trusting others. It ok to feel the need to protect your inner world. It is all ok as long as you own up to it and discover the reasons driving those truths about you. When you discover why you feel the way you feel and why you are the way you are – you become your highest authority. If others are not accepting of your truths, if they choose to reject who you authentically are – it is their choice to do so. More often than not, others react to what you say because those truths mirror the pain of their existence, they trigger unpleasant feelings or memories that their unauthentic selves automatically feel the need to reject. It is not you – it is truly them.
Once you become accepting of your ‘good’ and ‘bad’, you will notice that your relationships with others will shift. Once you open up an authentic channel of communication you will notice that others will often choose to do the same.
The less you confine yourself to imaginary guidelines – the easier it becomes to interact with others. When you like somebody – talk to them. If somebody has hurt your feelings – do not hold the grudge – fess up and politely let them know. In the end not keeping track of what was or wasn’t said or done will bring you a feeling of a newfound peace. Imagine not keeping track of who has hurt you, whom you resent or do not talk to and simply living – what a relief?
The more you are honest in your analysis of yourself the more you will no longer have the urge to conform to the way your life was before. You will see that game of ‘he said – she did’ has no substance and no point – it is not real. Life is not a game, so stop playing – and start living!
© Tatyana Bondarenko
* IF you have never seen that movie – I recommend it 🙂