Gallery

Involunerable Statue

…of moving boundaries of walls.
___________________________

This past weekend I had witnessed a phenomenon firsthand, that had simply blown me out of the water. On top of my new revelation during this weekends Psychic fair, I had a seasoned practitioner [with over 30 years of experience] guide me, to tap into my well-hidden reserves of femininity. It was amazing to be able to reap the results that same weekend. I honestly believe that without that key I wouldn’t have had the capacity of welcoming such a delicacy into my life.

I have witnessed firsthand the raw, exposed, fragile male ego of man with a sensitive soul, unfold in front of me. The moment of that core exposition was so delicate and so profound; his open vulnerability cut my on-guard masculinity like an open blade. I have finally managed to steal away a conversation with a man that I have tried to connect with for a few months now.

I remember my thought process stating “you have to be soft, open, receptive and sincere. Do not push under any circumstances” In truth – I did my best. I walked up to him to inquire about his well-being and to converse about a possibility of seeing him around again before I move away.

I remember my analytical filter examine his body language. His stance was wide, feet apart. He was standing tall with his arms crossed at chest. We were 4 feet apart. He was swaying side to side on his hips, indicating severe discomfort… At that point in our conversation it dawned on me that this stance, this body language at this moment, is the only set of protection that he has right now. His usual boundaries of walls, as unbreakable as a tungsten shield, were down…At that point my raw and uninhibited femininity overfilled me. The thought in my head was “remain open, and give him his space”. I did my best to receive and observe. My only worry is that my core nature did come out, and I have bruised him while he was unguarded.

I have never seen such a glimpse of tender delicacy in anyone I’ve ever met. I truly hope that it was not the last time I have seen it.

My nurturing side has been triggered severely by this experience. The visions of hugging him and softly touching his skin keep on creeping up inside my head, generating a desire to be next to him and respond with a connection to his vulnerable heart.

In my full awareness, the logic of circumstances is that this may not be wanted from me. The matter of fact reality is that my presence in his life, he may want to limit to a friendship stripped of any romantic or intimate endeavors. The only way for me truly know – is wait. The only way to hear his truth is to be open and receptive. The only true way for me to function is to stay objective and read into the underlying actions of a possible rejection by him, and not deny the facts in hopes of my yearning to surrender fully.

I do not need his permission to love him for who he is, and for what he chose to show me. I do value and admire him for the different sides of him. I like him when he is silly, nerdy, geeky, witty and funny; however, I love him when he is vulnerable. I am still at the state where I can hold my observations and emotions within the bounds of me. I can still iron out any unlikely triggers that may hurt me personally. This state of me is truly new to me. I see it, observe it and feel it… and it is beautiful. The double edge of self-awareness blade is truly inexplicable, for when it cuts, all that I only bleed is purely love.

© Tatyana Bondarenko

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