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My Semi-Goodbye

Lately while being on the verge of having my career and future, in this state, decided for me, I see myself having a hard time. There is a major conflict that is raging up on the inside of me and it seems very manic depressive. I am truly splitting on the inside. The black and white of it is so overwhelming that it takes a lot of energy to maintain my shades of fray. Meanwhile the paranoid voice in my head, occasionally stirred up with thoughts of upcoming keeps on yelling ‘fuck!’ and ‘how did I get into this mess?’ or ‘why would you do this to yourself?’ and yet, armed with a brave face and wrapped in my shield of fear I put one foot in front of the other and go on.

There is not doubt inside my head that I will move to San Fran within the next two months. I am sure that I will get an offer from our corporate office and that the salary and moving negotiations will go just fine.

For the first time it will only be me…[and Freckles]

What feels to be final days here, in my position at Redmond Operations, seem to be so overwhelming. I had no clue of how much I have truly contributed as an employee to my company, until I was asked to draw out new and revise the old procedures regarding my duties and then — train a temp. I had to reveal my final bargaining chip and upload my personal macros to the network and then train my colleagues on the excel shortcuts that I use as well as my personally written formulas. All of this to assure that my passage will be the one of success not based upon possible failure of my department.

As I view my life outside of work, I am very happy that I have achieved something that I could have sworn will never happen. I have truly resolved all my problems with my parents and I have gotten to the point that I no longer only understand them – I have managed to accept them as they are, and from that came love. I have babied the idea that someday I will be moving to another state and now they are fully independent and prepared for me to finally part. Moreover, my parents, as much as they are aware they will struggle without me, they still support my wish to move, still hoping with all their might that it will not happen.

Now as I reflect back onto community that I have been a part of, that microorganism of Seattle population – I see so much good in there. We have the range of people from most to least on fairly broad spectrum: from the most open minded to most jaded; most brilliant to ignorant; most self-aware to oblivious; most vulnerable to indestructible; most stable to delusionally dysfunctional; most thriving to hopelessly surviving…I have personally been all over that spectrum. I lived. I have laughed and I still love. Regardless of the drama, pain and politics that I have endured over the years, I have managed to turn rough and hard and in the end absolve myself from all of this.

With all my immaturity and cattiness throughout the years the people in my life have managed to grow me. I have managed to get a support from many different people at my different times of need. I have great friendships that still last. I have friendships that ended abruptly. I have acquaintances that never truly knew me. And there are people out there right now, who will get to know me within the next few months to the full extend of me and never want to let me go.

It is really unfortunate that I have never let my soft and feminine side of me truly fully show. People here know me as a smartass, rude-ass goof-ass and a know-it-all. Yet very few people out there know me fully to the true extend of my knowledge, wisdom and compassion that I possess. I am frequently surprised as to how few people actually take time to read between the lines. To my personal awe I have learned that many people, myself included, lack the ability to take things as a matter of fact and at face value. There are those who over-think [again me being one of them] and those who do not care to evaluate. Despite that common flaw of lacking balance in functional perception, I am truly glad that I have gotten to know each person who has given me the opportunity to get to know them. You guys truly are amazing on all levels of who you are, even more so if you truly know who you are.

My dilemma now is one of parting ways. The reason why the break-ups always hurt is because nearly always they end abruptly for one party. As is with almost every parting, first you process the bad to numb out the pain, then you let go of the good thus transcending the pain.

When the split is rational and on semi-good terms a couple transcends the good and bad together which makes parting easier and less scarring.

In my parting with the city I have come to call home, where I have lived longer than anywhere else — I am torn. I am overwhelmed with my memories of good and bad. Majority of my living in this city I have lived a dysfunctional saturated with disconnection and with pain of discontent life. I have hurt many people, I admit. All while there are those whom have nothing but good things to say about me. I see myself as being a good person with a horrible past, which still remains a partially happy memory.

A part of me just wants to hide. One of my acquaintances is right – I will not find people like here anywhere I go. But who knows, maybe different people would be a change that is not necessarily bad. Regardless, in this time of anticipation of an answer from a possible future home, I am now more open than ever. I am so sensitive and vulnerable to every word and every action from every person in my life, that any feeling they convey my way I take so sharply and personally… It is very new to me to be this accepting and unprotected. I am doing my best to not snap back and close off. I am trying to be tolerant and understanding and authentically here.

I am fighting myself on the urge to go into hiding, to quietly go away, hire movers, jump into u-haul and drive to San Fran in tears and never look back.

But that is not good enough in my eyes. I don’t deserve this and people I know don’t deserve to learn of my disappearance this way.

So I choose to go in style.

If I will not go, I choose to stay in style.

I choose to be grateful and thankful from the bottom of my heart, particularly to people who have contributed to my growth experiences in the past 28 months that I have stepped onto my path of consciousness.

In the next month [give or take] regardless of whether I move or not, I want to spend my time here to the best of my ability.

I want to host parties for people I love, as well as those I simply know. I want to dance. I was to cook. I want to drink in celebration of this life.

We only live once… So, let’s live, love, laugh and learn what it means to be alive.

~tatyana.

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